A New Day Dawns...

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Opportunity Knocks...Or Is That A Rib?
A Family Tradition


Opportunity Knocks...Or Is That A Rib?

"Each day is a new beginning – full of promise and
opportunity."

I believe that, don’t you? I try to look at those statements – those wonderful affirmations with a good attitude. Most of the time, I really try to grab onto those statements & live my life with a sense of hope that the day will bring me all the good that I desire.

And then many other times, I wake my ass up and think: “What the hell NOW?” That’s because I wake up to the reality that because I’ve been infected with some Lyme bacteria, each day is also an "opportunity" to experience some old familiar symptoms that are about as “comfortable” as an old pair of jeans….jeans my ass grew out of about 10 years ago – of which I can force only portions of my ass into them.. kind of “comfort”.

Thanks to Lyme disease, each day also brings the possibilities of new symptoms – symptoms that can make me question my sanity.

When I wake up each morning, I usually feel like I’m a little drunk. That wouldn’t be so bad, except that I also feel kind of hung-over too …and that’s before my feet hit the floor, at which point I realize that even my damned ankles hurt like an 80 year old with a bad case of arthritis.

Most days I feel like someone pounded the hell out me with a baseball bat while I was trying to get those coveted 8 hours of restful sleep. I would accuse my husband except I don't have any bruises and we don't own a bat.

Usually when I wake up I have to reach for my GRANDMOTHER’s cane because I have now come to understand that if I’m going to make it to the damned bathroom without running into stuff or falling on my ass, I’m going to need a little help. It seems my brain is not always in agreement that my body should actually be moving. I’m so dizzy sometimes it feels like my brain is trying to move in the opposite direction – back to the bed – back to sleep where it doesn’t have to work so hard.

My brain realizes that bladder is sending message: “Must Pee”….but brain doesn’t care. Brain has its own agenda. Brains says: "Pee in pants". (Hey - have you ever TRIED to pee in your pants? It's hard to do. It's like that childhood potty-training stuff is so ingrained that it's almost impossible ...it's like potty training IS A FORM OF BRAIN-WASHING! I'll bet you're wondering why I know this....)

So, in addition to the dizziness and the fibromyalgia / arthritic type pain, my interstitial cystitis has also started acting up. For those of you that give a rat’s ass about what that is…keep reading…otherwise skip down a few paragraphs.

Interstitial Cystitis (IC) is an EVIL bladder disease that affects mostly women. Doctors don’t really know what causes it; they don’t really know how to “fix” it; nor do many of them really give a rat’s ass because they’re too busy making some big-ass bucks handing out Viagra to all the men lined up at their door in need of a little chemical induced “assistance”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no personal problem with Viagra or any of its competitor brands. I realize erectile dysfunction is important for those who have it. What I have a problem with is that there isn’t enough research being done by whoever is doing all the damned research, apparently because they’re too busy doing research on how to improve the quality of sexual experiences for the masses who actually feel damned good enough to even consider having it!

Meanwhile, the women enduring the agonizing pain of IC continue to sit their ass on the toilet and try their best to endure the burning; the spasming; and the feeling that they’ve somehow consumed a large quantity of broken glass which is etching scars in the lining of their inflamed bladder - which already feels covered in ulcers…and along with all that broken glass sloshing around in there is also the acid from hundreds of tomatoes and oranges!!! And if this were only a morning phenomenon, perhaps it might be a tad more bearable, but women with IC usually make 30-something visits to the toilet a day – not because they’re consuming large amounts of beverages, but because bladder keeps telling brain: “Must pee NOW”.

Often times my bladder is confused, as my pee barely fills ½ teaspoon – not that I’ve ever used my measuring spoons to verify this assertion, mind you, but it’s an educated guess.

Interstitial Cystitis is horrifying, and the thought of having SEX is usually the FARTHEST thing from the mind for any woman experiencing this malady, because if you are not aware, the bladder CAN be reached during that above mentioned “activity” - and when this occurs – it feels more like an attack than an act of love. At least that has been my experience with interstitial cystitis. (And by the way, bladder "problems" are just one of those hundreds of symptoms that can be caused by Lyme. )

In addition to the IC, my ribs have decided to vie for my attention on a continuous damned basis. That small little rib at the bottom must not like its bigger sister ribs, as it seems like it wants to move in with my lungs. It keeps knocking, and the lungs try to ignore or avoid the knock by taking shallow breaths, but then

Brain says: “NEED more oxygen!”
Lungs say: “Kiss my ass!”
Brain says: “Ass is on toilet – need more oxygen!”
Bladder pipes in and says: “Can you please shut the hell up – trying to push out the shards of acidic glass. Must Concentrate!”

Perhaps you can understand why I sometimes prefer the idea of just being sedated and sleeping through most of the day? Sometimes I wish I had enough medication to do just that.

In addition, sometimes the other ribs decide to have their version of a cat fight amongst themselves. I don’t know what the hell is going on, other than it’s causing my ass a hell of a lot of pain! Most of the time lately, I've been getting the chest pain at my sternum. But there have been a couple of days where the pain in my back has been excruciating.

The "excruciating" pain days are usually the days that I need to be somewhere “bright & early” because that’s when I usually make my appointments, because that’s when I have the energy…what little of it there is. Therefore, taking pain pills so that I can better endure the pain is usually out of the question because I believe that driving while sedated is a bit irresponsible, don’t you? And have you ever noticed that pain medicine dulls your brain before it dulls any of the actual damned pain? What’s up with that?

One day last week (or the week before – can’t remember) …all I did was turn over in bed & it seemed like all out warfare was going on in the middle of my back. I stood up – thinking a straight back is a happy back, and for a few seconds I had this electrical storm going up my spine. Granted it was only a few seconds, but it felt far longer because it was the kind of pain that makes your eyeballs roll back into your skull…obviously trying to trigger Brain to somehow put a stop to that bullshit!

Of course I have the nerve pain shooting down my legs, and the oh-so-interesting burning sensations that hop all over my skin …and just recently the tremors and the twitching in my limbs have started again. Ah, good times. If I hadn’t had these symptoms in the past, I’d probably be more freaked out about it – or at least engrossed by the novelty of it. Now, however, it is mostly just annoying. However it can be entertaining if you try to take pictures or video...or try to write a check at the store where the clerk will look at you suspiciously because your hand is shaking ...because you are nervous -- no doubt because the check is either hot or stolen. Sometimes I don't know whether to 'play it up' and act more suspicious, or just let them take a good look at my face & see through my eyes I don't have the energy to steal anything. Good, good times.

A Family Tradition
Yesterday I had the privilege of watching my daughter in another academic competition: “Battle of the Books”. It’s a district competition that she’s been in for the last 5 years because she is my super brainiac child. Alas, her team has never won – but it is tradition for me to go & to cross my fingers & keep accurate score – you know, just in case the 3 judges from the Superintendent’s office are idiots. It has been the tradition for me to assist her & her team mates in prepping for the event; and for me to have multiple adrenaline releases during the event, as if this were the damned Super Bowl and I was one of those freakish half-naked, brightly painted fans.

It has also been tradition to join with the other team parents to do something mildly embarrassing to the team so as to break the tension from the fact that they are, once again, getting their little elementary asses kicked by kids from the more socieo-economically gifted schools in the district. Last year I started the “wave”. It was just the parents from our school, and yes, while it was during the competition, it was during a little bit of a lull. My daughter & the team thought it was hysterical and their laughter reverberated through the coliseum. It was a hoot. It didn’t cause any harm, yet, we, the parents still got those librarian type glances than can burn a whole thru you. And our kids thought it was a hoot that WE were “getting in trouble”…which made it all worth it.

This year’s competition was a different story. Not only did I not help prep her or her teammates, I didn’t even know the titles of the books. I’ve been a little preoccupied this year; trying desperately to stay sane has kept me rather busy, you know.

This year, by the time I walked up the flight of stairs that led to the seating in the coliseum I was utterly exhausted….and a little pissed that the district that just built itself a brand new Administration building has yet to make a ramp or elevator to access the coliseum seating!

For anyone with chronic fatigue and/or fibromyalgia – stairs can be a real bitch. Going down is not that difficult unless you’re dizzy (which I was) – but the going up…BITCH-BITCH-BITCH!!!
I was willing to just let any administrative person have a piece of my mind about a lack of handicap access to the general seating, but it would have meant that I’d have to hunt their official asses down, and I just didn’t have the energy. And I realize that if I had wanted to really show my ass & make a scene, I’m sure they would have allowed me to sit on the arena floor with the librarians and the contestants – but I wanted to sit with my friends and eat the noisy snacks I had shoved into my purse. I wanted to sit with the other moms so we could laugh at how dramatic our kids are when they are trying to figure out the answer to the questions. And most importantly, I didn’t want to be different. So I climbed those bastardly stairs….one at a bitchin’ time.

By the time I made it to my seat, I realized I didn’t have the physical or mental capacity to keep score or to creatively devise a new plan of embarrassment. So I sat there with my rib poking into my lungs and my legs twitching – clearly pissed from the stair exercises, and I tried to keep my attention focused as best I could away from my own little physical drama bullshit and focused on the event that I had struggled so much to attend. I wanted to appreciate everything I could about it – the excitement and the drama. I didn't want my pain to rob me of the fun of the experience. I didn’t want it to be different than in the past years...except that I was certainly willing for my daughter’s team to win (despite the fact that I’m a realist and came with lowered expectations about that).

Because of that experience yesterday, combined with a few other experiences that I'll spare detailing - I now find myself at a point that I am considering whether I should ask my doctor for a prescription for a wheelchair or one of those motorized scooters. In a way I’m almost agonizing over this decision because I’m afraid of climbing my ass in one of those things & just staying there.

I suppose it is fortunate for me that we do not live in one of those socieo-economically advantaged neighborhoods with the big-ass houses. My house isn’t large, and I thank GOD I don’t have a flight of stairs to contend with daily. I do have two stairs leading into my laundry room that can be a bit of a problem…but I’m thinking my daughter is now old enough that I should pass her the laundry “torch”…and call it a rite of passage.

Even though we don’t have a big house, and I CAN and WILL continue to walk through my house – we also live on an acre of land with lots of little “buildings” where we keep lots of important crap that we can’t keep in our moderate sized house. For maneuvering around our lot, I’m thinking I need a motor of some kind, and the riding lawn mower seems a little impractical – and besides, the buzz from the engine makes the glass in my bladder slosh around too much.

My daughter has another competition coming up soon: “Destination Imagination” – which is like an off-shoot of “Oddessy of the Mind”. As I am the manager of this team, it is pretty much mandatory that I attend. This competition will be held at a college campus…ALL OVER the damned campus. And I know I can’t walk that far. I’m too weak. Yesterday proved that to me.

I guess I’m just at a stage where I’m having to come to terms with my limitations so that I can make accommodations – but there’s still a part of me that is agonizing over this – digging my heels in & screaming, “I don’t want to be different! I don’t want to have to join the ranks of the handicapped.”

Basically, what it boils down to is that, once again, I’m feeling afraid. I’m afraid of what “each new day” will bring, despite my determination to remain hopeful…the dizziness, the stabbing pains, the fatigue, the shooting nerve pain, the burning sensations, the brain fog, the twitching & the tremors somehow gang up on me, and try to suck away all the hope of what each new day could bring. Some days, damn it, I just don't feel like I've got the energy to maintain a good attitude. Some days I'm just not in the mood to have a good attitude.

Some days I just waste so many "opportunities" because I'm too busy bemoaning my predicament and choosing to be pissed off...usually at myself.

BUT ...

"Tomorrow is another day: a new beginning – full of
promise and opportunity."

I sure hope my lousy attitude of today doesn't spill over & just piss all over it.