Weeping Wiseass

Well, shit! It’s hard to believe that it has been 2 freaking months since I have posted. This is a new record for me.

I’d apologize to you, but I’m not really blogging for you – I’m blogging for me. It’s therapy. And the reason I write publicly is still a mystery to me, other than I must have some inherent need to expose myself. And since I don’t look very good naked – I must expose my naked emotions instead.

I must say, these last couple months have been rather traumatic for me; although I know there are thousands whom have experienced far more trauma than me and I really have no right to even claim such a word.

My trauma has been mostly sympathetic trauma….sort of like a man experiencing sympathetic birth pains. And from my own personal dramas to national catastrophes, I want you to know I have actually come close to having a damned nervous breakdown on a few occasions.

I wish I were just kidding.

TODAY’S MENU
Drowning In My Own Damn Tears
Getting the Hell Outta Dodge!
“Annie Get Your Gun – Lulu Get One, Too!”
Losing My Damn Mind
A Thin Line
Crazy Ass – Wise Body
Migratory Worry
Florida Or Bust



Drowning In My Own Damn Tears
A couple of months ago, I literally dragged my mom to my LLMD’s office to get her tested for Lyme disease.

I don’t like to brag, but I diagnosed the woman with Lyme disease at least 5 or 6 damn months ago, when she started telling me that she has quite LITERALLY been crawling her big 58 year old ass UNDER HER DESK for a nap at lunch time because she’s just so damned tired. But she, being my hard-headed mother, did not have faith in my ability to diagnose Lyme in other people – most especially her.

Because I know that my LLMD is very busy – and assumed he probably even has a waiting list –I decided to write him a sweet little fax, telling him all about Momma’s symptoms and that if they couldn’t fit her in sooner – that I would just bring her with me during MY appointment time. And so I did.

It didn’t take long for Dr. N to figure out that mom is sick. Hell, he could probably have just diagnosed part of her problem while we were still in the waiting room. My sweet mother has the most disgusting smoker’s cough – a cough she developed over the last 45 years of her life. So I know he KNEW we were in trouble before we even walked into his damn office.

But he looked her up & down a bit and asked her lots of questions – some of which I had to interpret for her because Dr. N often speaks in metaphors.

He has yet to come out and say: “You have Lyme” but he did take about half her body’s blood so he could run a shit-load of tests.

At the time of the appointment I, too, had a sweet little gurgle-ly cough myself. I had conveniently come down with some snot-based illness just prior to my appointment and thought it convenient that I would be there so he could look down my throat and give me the sympathy that I was due.

But hell, next to mom’s cough my cough was like the difference between a bomb and a fart. Dr. N didn’t seem to care about my little mucous as he went over my blood lab results from my visit one MONTH earlier. He said, “It looks good”.

I told him, “Well I’m glad LAST month was good – but I’m just a little worried about THIS month, man!”

Again – he just stayed stuck in the past telling me I was doing better while I’m sitting there sick as a damned dog. I love that man, but SHIT!

My mother returned to the room and I thought it was safe for me to go ahead and ask to see my daughter’s Igenex test results. I’m so glad Momma was there with me. I needed her to be there with me that day.

It only took me seconds of looking at it:

IgG – Positive; CDC Positive
IgM – Positive

I began to weep as my poor mother just stood there for a second saying, “Well, what is it?”

Dr. N came over and hugged me and told me that my daughter would never get as bad as me. I think I made him promise. And then I made him promise that he would not retire any time soon. He agreed, which gave me a small sense of relief. In hindsight, I should have also made him promise me that he would never die…at least not until we were all better.


My husband & I told our daughter about her test results over the weekend, so she could process the information before returning to school. She cried a few times, even though we tried to keep it all very positive as we spoke to her.

We told her that her immune system is strong – which it IS.

We told her that her body has already been fighting the bug since before she was born – and it HAS.

We told her that we are just going to be proactive with her health – continue to build upon her already strong immune system so that she can rid her body of this beast – and she WILL.

Meanwhile, I’ve been engaged in trying to discover: Has she been showing symptoms to me all along, but I just didn’t SEE them?

When it comes to state and national school testing, my daughter has always tested in the 97th percentile or higher. For those of you that don’t know what the hell that means – it means that on all the damn standardized tests she’s taken – she has scored higher than 97% of everyone else (within a certain age bracket) who has taken the test.

I remember trying to understand her very first test scores back when she was in 1st grade. I read it and thought,

“Oh, that’s nice – she made a 98% on this one test, and a 99% on the other test. My sweet little girl is very smart – just like I thought.”

And then when I actually read all the complicated jargon-filled fine print, it finally occurred to me that my then 6 year old daughter was actually eligible for Mensa – the society for all the damned geniuses. That realization actually scared the shit out of me at the time, as I was feeling barely equipped as it was to raise a smart child while enduring all the mental & physical bullshit I was at the time – but to realize that I had a budding genius on my hands – I was scared shitless that I would not raise her well enough.

I remember around this time I started collecting information on Gifted & Talented children, and on how to raise them, and how they are ‘different’ from others in the fact that they are at different levels emotionally and intellectually which makes life rather challenging for them at times.

Meanwhile, my smart little Mensa candidate, when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up went from wanting to be an astronaut to wanting to be a taxi cab driver because her older cousin told her they made lots of money.

And at that point it hit me. I realized I could totally stress me & her out about doing everything ‘right’ with regards to her education – constantly coaxing her to rise up and meet her potential…and in her heart, her greatest desire may be to grow up and work and Sonic Drive-in because they deliver food on rollerskates.

So occasionally I try to remember that, ultimately, I have only a limited amount of influence on the course & direction of my daughter’s life – and that in the final analysis – all I really want is for her to be happy & healthy.

To learn, however, that she has Borrrelia Burgdorferri bacteria (the Lyme bacteria) swimming around in her brain too is very upsetting for me because I know how much it has screwed up my brain.

She’s such a bright kid and I just cried & cried about what might happen to her brain – her beautiful brain - if we treated her with antibiotics and she started to have extreme herxheimer reactions, which my LLMD likes to call: “healing crises”.

And I also cried about my fear of what may happen if we didn’t treat her with antibiotics and the bacteria was allowed to proliferate unchecked. What would happen to her beautiful brain in that scenario? How does a parent know what to do?

Hell, I still don’t know what the ‘perfect’ answer is - even though I’ve asked dozens & dozens of questions, seeking advice from all my good friends at the Lymenet message board – as well as some of my other message groups.

The funny thing about seeking the advice of others for your CHILD, is that suddenly there are so many others out there that are now willing to talk to your wiseass – or at least MY wise ass.

When I approached my on-line support groups with the info about my daughter, I was amazed at how many responses I received – especially from people that previously may not have had anything to do with me because I do tend to be foul-mouth & rude & shit like that.

I guess when it comes to children – people are more willing to look past differences in the spirit of helping the child – and for that – I owe so many a debt of gratitude that I shall never be able to repay.

To those of you whom reached out to me during my time of need – not knowing what to do about my ‘baby’ girl – I THANK YOU with ALL OF MY HEART! Your generosity of spirit has brought me to tears many, many times.


And amidst all of my tears – yes, of course, I’ve been crying for my Momma too - because she’s my Momma! No sane person wants their Momma to be sick…especially knowing that once Momma gets MUCH older, I know she’ll become my responsibility. This naturally makes me NEED to get my daughter in tip-top health so that she can then turn around and take care of my sickly-ass when I become of ancient age, too!

I think what finally convinced Momma to go see the good doc with me is that I told her it would be cheaper now to get her all fixed up – cause if we wait until later – she’s just gonna be crazy as hell – and guess who’s gonna have to be the one chasing her down while she walks barefoot and naked through the city streets? Yeah, that’s right: ME! And I’ll be crying the whole damn time, too, because you know what they say:

“To see what a woman will look like when she gets old – just look at her mother.”

And the thought of people knowing what I would look like both old AND naked just depressed the piss outta me! (No offense, Momma. Hugs & kisses!)

So I cried on & off through that weekend, while trying to figure out what we should do for our daughter. So many have suggested that we consult with THEIR doctor; and many have insisted that we take her to the ONLY Lyme Pediatrician in the US.

And while I would be happy to consult with a Lyme Pediatrician, right now that is such an impractical thought as this dear, dedicated man is about 100 years old and he practices THOUSANDS of miles away. Just not practical….so I cried about that too.


Getting the Hell Outta Dodge!
On the Sunday before Hurricane Katrina came rolling through our great Southern states, I learned that my brother and sister-in-law were not planning on evacuating their family until THAT AFTERNOON.

This did not sit well with me, as I have a very high regard for Mother Nature and Her abilities to completely wipe shit out.

So I called my sister-in-law to inquire as to WHY they were not getting the hell out of Dodge until the afternoon. And do you know where they were? At the @#$%ing damn gym! Now can you believe that shit?

It seems they assumed it would be quite some time before they could work out again in their gym and they wanted to have a good workout before they left.

Hmmm. Now, I think it’s good that people want to be in shape, but I think brother and sister-in-law have seen far too many “mild” hurricanes, which would therefore explain their laidback approach to evacuation prior to a freaking damn Level 5 hurricane – although I could not understand or appreciate that fact at the time!

Now I know it will shock you, dear readers, that I am usually a very respectful person; but for the first time ever – I told my sister-in-law that I thought that both she & brother-in-law were dumb asses and to get their damn dumb asses out of the dumb ass gym, into their dumb ass car and out of the dumb ass city!

For a moment, I could hear by her silence that sister-in-law was quite shocked for me to react with such passion and profanity. And then she said, once again, they would be leaving at 3 pm…right after they finished working out! (yes, I have GREAT influence on my ‘people’…HA!)

I hung up the phone, called her a dumb ass in my head, and then threw my face in a pillow and CRIED a little bit more.


I suppose I don’t have to tell you that on that Monday, when Katrina blew through our great Southern states -- I cried. And I also cried on that Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Hell, I can still cry if I allow myself to think about it too much.

I think it was on that Tuesday after the hurricane that I finally heard from sister-in-law again and she said they were staying with a friend in Jackson, Mississippi and only had partial cell phone service. They had no electricity & no land lines - but they were safe. And I cried with a sense of relief about that too.

My sister-in-law, let’s call her ‘Lulu’, asked me to get on the internet and see if I could find out what happened in their neighborhood and see if I could find out what happened to two of her friends who had chosen to stay behind.

She gave me the names of her friends and told me the last time she talked to one of them was as the hurricane was starting to arrive in their neighborhood. Lulu said the last words she heard before the phone lines went down was her friend saying,

“I can hear the trees snapping in two now….”

And yes damnit, I cried about that too.

Lulu gave me the names of specific websites and ideas of who to track down for info.

I did as she suggested not just because I wanted to help – but because I genuinely wanted to find out what happened to their home. I needed to finally rid myself of the small amount of guilt I have felt over the years about the small amount of envy I’ve had because they are the ones living in the $1,000,000 home….and we’re the ones living in the house from HUD!

When Katrina came blasting through town, I prayed and prayed that their house would be OK…because it IS their home and I love them, and I only want their best & highest good. I certainly didn’t want them to suffer devastation!

And I FINALLY realized that despite all the flaws of my own home – I love it – because it IS home. Everyone loves their home, no matter where it is or how much it costs.

((OK, maybe I should restate that. Everyone should love the home they have – especially now, as there are so many that have no home at all!))

As I went to the online community message boards, I decided to do more investigative work with regards to the area so that I could give them the best picture of what was occurring. In order to do this, I had to read all the different posts.

Of course people were asking questions about their homes, but more than anything were the questions of –

“Has anyone seen Chris S?” “Has anyone heard from Sue V?’ “What about the pets – do you think the pets are OK?”

And yes, DR. Wiseass would sometimes just sit and read, and cry like a baby about people I don’t even know.

As for my sister & brother-in-law’s community – I think they were the ‘lucky’ ones as it turns out, although some did receive substantial damage, it wasn’t the severity of damage that has devastated so many throughout the South.

They were, and are, indeed the fortunate ones – and I hope they continue to know that.


“Annie Get Your Gun – Lulu Get One, Too!”
A couple of days later, my brother & sister-in-law decided to go back to their community – to return home for a few days – to do some cleaning up & packing up - before leaving their community for several weeks.

I was out of my damn mind with worry.

“Are they just crazy as hell? How do crazy as hell people become so damn affluent?” I wondered. “Do they not know that poor people go to rich people’s houses to steal shit?”

I practically begged Lulu not to return home, but the decision was not mine to make – and it had already made.

I asked her if they had weapons and explained what I was seeing on TV with the long ass gas lines and some people reporting that it was like a damn war zone in some parishes.

At first she said, ‘NO’. And then a few minutes later she called back to say that the friend they were staying with loaned them a 357 magnum and a sawed off shotgun, and she asked me if that made me feel better.

First, I asked her if she knew how to use the damn guns, and she assured me she could figure it out! She informed me that she used to shoot at cans when she was a teenager….implying that shooting a gun was like riding a bike.

Needless to say, I was a nervous damn wreck, worrying about their safety, and yes crying quite often because, at that point, it was starting to become a new way of life:

CRY, CRY, CRY!

As they were virtually in a ‘black hole’ I couldn’t call to check up on them and so I had to wait for them to make contact with us when they could.

The following day, my mother-in-law called me to say that she had heard from Lulu, and that both Lulu & brother-in-law had already gone jogging in the neighborhood.

AGAIN with the exercise? SHIT! I wish they would have called me, because I would have asked them,

“How does one go jogging with a sawed off shotgun? Can you shove it down your shorts?”

After several days they finally got their shit packed up to leave their community and return to the ‘civilized’ world where there are things like electricity, gas, and food; however before leaving their little black hole city, do you know what they did?

Yes, that’s right! They went and worked out at the dumb ass gym!

Now can you believe that shit?



Losing My Damn Mind
In addition to my family drama, you know, worrying about how and where my in-laws would exercise and whether or not it would include weapons – I couldn’t keep my eyes off the television.

I quickly became addicted to watching the drama of the Katrina aftermath unfold day after day.

At some point I realized that watching all that devastation and despair was not good for my immune system as I just stayed completely stressed out about it. I seriously wondered if I was developing some kind of passive, sympathetic post-traumatic stress disorder myself, and knew that I needed to turn off any media coverage to give my mind & body some time away from the stress that comes from watching such overwhelming destruction 24/7.

But – before I could put that self-imposed rule into play – I decided that I MUST watch just one more episode of Dateline NBC.

I remember clearly that it was the Thursday following the hurricane – and the episode focused on the fact that people were just stranded there, most specifically in New Orleans – dying in slow motion with seemingly no help from anyone!

At the time I remember being so angry that our government had not air dropped supplies down to them – that they had left them like that for so long.

During that hour I became totally outraged and thought I would write letters to ALL my elected officials telling them how vile and evil they were for their seeming lack of regard for those poor dying souls...and I had planned to use the F word quite a bit.

I emailed Momma, telling her what all I was going to say – admitting that I was even going to write the President too, and that I had no intention whatsoever of cleaning up any of my language. And for awhile, I think Momma was genuinely concerned about that.

But I put a rest to Momma’s worries as I told her I would not be signing my real name to any of the letters – but instead I would be signing my brother Bubba’s name on them. This allowed her to breathe a sigh of relief as we both know he is eventually headed for jail anyway - why not speed it up for him - and land him in federal prison. It would have been an act of kindness on my part.

That night, after I took my great sleeping medication, my mind & body refused to go to sleep because I was just still so LIVID AND WIRED, so I decided to write my DC friend to ask him WHAT I COULD DO and to see if he could help me better understand WHY our government was made up of dim-witted people that didn’t know how to make it to New Orleans???

What you should understand is that at that point I was just crazy from all the crying; from watching people DIE in front of the TV camera; and from the very good sleeping medication - AND my best idea at that point was that on Friday I would load up our van and try to entice as many people and organizations as I could, and that we, “the people” would just drive the damned water & food in by ourselves because I knew I could find SOMEONE that knew how to read a damn map so that we could make it into New Orleans!!!!!

At the point I that I was writing my crazy ass letter to my DC friend, my eyes were literally CROSSING while I was attempting to type because that’s one of the more delightful effects of the sleeping medication…if you refuse to ‘go with it’ and just sleep like a good girl.

Yet, I persevered because to me – that was a perfectly logical idea. It was a logical idea at both 11 PM when I actually typed most of the letter and then again at 2 AM when I woke back up to finish the letter & push the SEND button.

At one point, I woke my husband up and told him that all I wanted for my upcoming birthday was to take the New Orleans people some damn water and maybe some soup and sandwiches too. And bless his heart, he didn’t poo-poo my idea at the time or even seem angry that I woke him from his sound sleep.

Of course, he might have been afraid to say or show any reaction at all as I was literally weeping and whining my request. I can honestly say that I was teetering on the edge of sanity at that moment – and I think hubby’s decision to postpone any criticism of my idea at that moment shows just how much innate wisdom he possesses!

That following morning, my ‘plan’ still seemed to be a very reasonable idea in my mind - until hubby began to cite all the LOGICAL reasons that it was quite unreasonable & unwise. (DR. Wiseass unwise? Nooooooooooooooooooo. Never! Not ME?!!!!)

Hubby very gently reminded me that it would be a VERY long drive (17 hours) and that we wouldn't have the gas to get back, and that I was so sick it was even too hard for me to plan a trip to the grocery store, which is just down the damn street.

Logically, I knew he was right – even though emotionally it pissed me off! How could I just sit around in my air conditioning and continue to watch these people die without doing anything?

I couldn’t. I was still a women obsessed with a mission to find a way to get those people some damn food & water because it seemed our government got lost on their way to New Orleans.

One of the first things I did that Friday morning was pose a few questions with the local media, hoping to find out when or IF the National Guard would be arriving in New Orleans on that very day.

The only response came later that day from my local NBC affiliate. It was a freaking form letter, which didn’t even address my question.

Meanwhile, I spent almost my entire day as I wrote emails to major grocery store chains, fast food chains, and all 72 members of the International Bottled Water Association PLEADING with them to send their 18-wheelers filled with food & water to New Orleans.

At the time it seemed like a perfectly reasonable way to spend my day. Typing & crying. Crying & typing. I tried to carefully craft my words in an effort to elicit some kind of sympathetic response on their part. In my mind, I thought someone needed to urge them to help. It never occurred to me they had already been attempting to help for days – and it was something that was certainly not evident from the media coverage I had been watching.

Although the following letter is now rather embarrassing to me – I will not deny you to privilege of witnessing my temporary descent into insanity.

***********************************************************
Dear *****,

I have been weeping for days. I can not continue to watch all these people in New Orleans DIE in slow motion.

I have no idea when FEMA will get their ASSES to the area with the damned food & water.

Last night, while MEDICATED so that I can actually sleep at this point, I thought, “I’ll just load up my van – and invite my church, and any other organization I can think of, and we could just have a big ass caravan drive the damn water & food out there.

My husband did not consider this a sane idea, as I am much too sick for us to get stuck out there with no water & food ourselves – and we are quite a distance from New Orleans.

I need to know if you have any stores (OR TRUCKS) within a reasonable radius that currently has some damn water (& food) that you can send out there via your 18-wheelers.

I know that it may be an inconvenience to some of your consumers if this causes you a shortage of supplies – but they’ll SURVIVE! I JUST DON’T KNOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE IN NEW ORLEANS, THOUGH!

I am pleading with you – not to your smart businessman/woman side – but to the side of you that has ANY HUMAN COMPASSION AT ALL.

PLEASE! Find some way to send your trucks loaded with food & water to New Orleans.

You’ll be able to make up the financial loss you might feel today – because the people that receive aid from YOU will not soon forget it.

And if you choose not to do so, it may very well be a kind of loss you’ll never personally recover from – not just because dead people make bad consumers – but because you’ll know you helped them die by doing nothing. And that seems like a pretty big loss to me!

Sincerely,

(And can you believe I signed my REAL name and even gave my home phone number????? CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY!)

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HOWEVER, to my surprise, I received MANY personal emails assuring me they were helping...and of course, I cried.

A gentleman from Mrs. Baird’s Bread called me to let me know they had already sent 50,000 loaves of bread...and I cried some more.

Then a man named Eric from Ozarka Spring Water called mere seconds later and informed me with great passion in his voice that he had his employees working double shifts 24/7 to send ALLLLL of their products - 100% - to Louisiana....and I wept so fiercely that I barely had the breath to utter the words ‘thank you’.

After dedicating several hours emailing all of those ‘water’ people – the National Guard finally showed up on stage! It was almost like a damn magic trick. Watching them caravan into the city…well damnit - I cried and cried and cried!

At the end of the day, I realized I was utterly exhausted because it takes so much energy to cry all day every day. And I also realized that my whole day had actually been a complete waste of time.

It was like I had been having one long ass Lyme rage - only with not as much temper tantrum -- and a helluva lot more tears! I had just felt so out of control -- out of control of my words & tears - so I just allowed them to be. It was a day of great gushing.

I know my letter writing campaign didn't really change anything, because people were already doing what they knew to do. The only thing my letter writing campaign accomplished was it kept me from having a nervous breakdown while driving 17 hours with a van full of bottled water….and it made ME feel (at the time) like I was at least doing SOMETHING rather than NOTHING.


A Thin Line
I’m sure most people have heard that expression about there being a fine line between love & hate? Well, there’s also a fine line between laughter & tears.

For the past several months I have been prone to bouts of inappropriate laughter. But suddenly during this catastrophic time period, I was becoming more prone to bouts of inappropriate tears. Granted, many of my tears were quite appropriate as I am a compassionate person despite my inclination towards profanity. and the bitchy persona I project.

And during this time period, I was blessed to make a new friend. We shall call her Ali-Mae, as she lives in Californ-i-a and although she is not wealthy, her down-to-earth personality makes me think of the Beverly Hillbillies. I know she will be flattered by the comparison.

Ali-Mae & I started emailing each other after she signed my guestbook. (Something many of the rest of my dear readers have YET to do! Hint. Hint.)

Anyway, it didn’t take long to see that Ali-Mae & I had much in common – which I’m sure I’ll detail later – but I suppose it was our bantering about bathroom humor that really helped me cope during the Katrina aftermath.

Because we both have Lyme we naturally discussed all things Lyme related, which included the importance of good bowel health.

And by the way – do you people know that the majority of serotonin is produced in the guts? This is a factual tidbit I picked up from Ali-Mae. Notice I can’t remember the actual percentage, nor did I say precisely where in the guts as I can not remember and I am currently too tired and lazy to find out.

Suffice it to say, our emails about bowel health became rather comical – provided you’re the type of person that finds bathroom humor humorous. Some of our bantering was so disgusting that if read by a stranger – they’d most certainly think it was a communication between two witty men – instead of two witty, refined ladies such as us.

But women crap too, and we also get constipated, have diarrhea, and often fart loud enough to alarm our own dogs.

I don’t know why I find bathroom humor so damn funny. Perhaps if the spirochetes were not in my frontal lobe I would not laugh quite so loudly and for such a sustained length of time. But damnit – they ARE in my frontal lobe and sometimes shit is just funny as shit! You know what I’m talking about – don’t you?

During this time period Ali-Mae became fascinated with the wonderful world of colonics, and I became more curious about the fascinating world of colonics – so here’s just a little excerpt from one of our long ass email threads. (FYI - I received Ali-Mae’s permission to share this – so don’t think I’m divulging any secrets between us!) Enjoy.
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Dear Ali-Mae --

Tell me about the colonic. Not really details about how your ass is sticking in the air and your colonic lady is actually making you feel bad while your ass is in air - I think that is rude -- at least bad timing on her part.

I experience IBS from time to time AND I also experience that wicked bladder disease Satan (whom I don't believe in) would be too chickenshit to endure: Interstitial Cystitis.

I have often wanted & believed I NEED a damn colonic - but feel like it might stir up the IBS (which I get the spasms that make me think Jesus is comin' for me because people aren't supposed to endure that much pain) and then the IC pain is equally horrifying -only different - when it flares, I think I might just give birth to it -- to my bladder - and if I do give birth to my own bladder, can they put it back or do I need to name it?

So any after effects after having the ass tube suck out all your shit? How often does colonic lady want you to return with your checkbook and your stinky putrid shit?

Don't get me wrong, I DO believe in colonics. My friend, Sherrie (recently passed from this life after long battle with cancer) survived almost 5 years or so after being told she had a 1/2% chance of living. But SHE SHOWED THOSE DOC! Her tumors even disappeared for awhile, and she really considered colonics (along with her strong faith) were part of the reason for her longevity. She had them religiously. I can still hear her voice in my head...God, I miss her and I don't want to cry, as I've been doing that all week -- but she really believed in them - in getting all the toxins out. I agree too - I just haven't felt brave enough to fork over the $80 bucks - stick my ass in the air, and await my IBS and my IC to piss me off later.

How much did your colonic cost? How much did it cost for you to have someone shove a tube up your rectum? California is high, isn't it? Wait. I know many Californians are 'high' as it 'Hey dude, do you remember where I put my car?" I meant 'high' as in prices. Didn't mean to confuse...

And more importantly, did it hurt? I is chicken for pain!

OK, hubby getting pissed that the light from my laptop is keeping him awake. Sissy boy.

Hugs,
DR
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Dear DR:

So, you wanna get a colonic, eh? I am a huge fan. Up until about a year ago, I was like "hell no, my butt is strictly exit-only". But, as usual, I did my research and found out what a tremendous benefit they can be. Also, the NP I saw, she cured herself of metastatic cancer (took me 15 seconds to figure out how to type that word - good thing I don't have to say it). She's been an RN since like 1966.

Now that my parents are paying, and supportive, I can go and get them. Last time I just didn't have the money for it. Here in California it costs between $75 and $95 a session. Although many places will have packages where if you purchase a series they are way cheaper. I am definitely of the mind that a series is absolutely crucial, i.e. having several done over the course of however long they say depending on how you do each session. And yes, Calidonia (I meant to type Claifonia....California...there we go) tends to be more expensive for alternative treatments.

Just make sure that the person you go to is certified by the board of colon hydrotherapy. Also you want someone who won't just leave the room - they need to stay with you, at least I think that is better, I have heard of people just sort of getting stranded.

So, the procedure is actually not that bad. You just lie on your side (which isn't as funny as with your legs in the air as you said and I was picturing but much more comfortable), and they gently insert the tube. Yes, it feels quite uncomfortable but only for just about less than one second. Then it's totally fine. I thought I would feel like I had a big poop stuck in me or something, but it's not like that at all.

Then you roll over on your back with your knees bent and that's how you stay. They will pump in warm water and then release it out. If you're really brave they might have a setup where you can see what comes out through a clear tube. Don't scoff, it's mesmerizing!!!!

The first woman I went to I didn't like because she didn't ask how I was feeling and if what she put in was too much and she was hollering about having been an ashram for 20 years which I guess makes you an expert on everything.

Being comfortable and trusting the person giving them is sooooo important because if you feel uncomfortable with them then you will be tense and not able to relax your intestines and let all the gunky goop out.

After the procedure, make sure to be careful, maybe don't drive if you feel woozy. It can be very draining energetically to do this when we're so sick. (As they progress, you are supposed to feel energized afterwards so there is a light at the end of the tunnel) My legs were shaking a bit. You know the drill, drink lots of water, some probiotics to replace your intestinal flora, etc.

One thing about being so sick is that sometimes the stuff just doesn't want to come out. That's what happened to me at this latest session. Stuff came out at first but then nada. This is why it's so important to do a series of them. Get those little buggy neurotoxins OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From what you've told me with your IBS I would tell you to do that *** intestinal cleanse and then on the last day get a colonic. (That) cleanse is GREAT for IBS and all the stuff you talked about.

And your poor little bladder, that just sucks eggs. I know (that company) has an awesome kidney/bladder formula - I would HIGHLY recommend you get this. It is not that expensive. You may also want to get (their) kidney bladder tea. VERY powerful.

I think your lovely friend with cancer was on to something with these colonics. We are very toxic and congested because of this disease. By eliminating the toxic load, we give our bodies a chance to breathe and heal on their own. ALL our toxic waste ends up in the bowel, and if that gets backed up, look out!

Also, if it sits there it just gets RE-ABSORBED into our bloodstream, and who the hell needs THAT? Also it may very well really help your bladder issues. We NEED to have our waste elimination working properly or we'll never get well.

I'm going back on Friday for another one - it will be interesting to see if I've made any progress and see how it helps. I really feel in my bones that this is the way to go. Screw her $600 test, I'll just bend her to my will. I'm getting scarily good at that.

Big Hugs,
Ali-Mae
**************************************************
Now wasn’t that just delightfully educational? And liberating?

Bowel health is so important – especially for people that are chronically ill, as it is likely that their bowel health is not healthy at all. And I think it is sad that something so important is such a hush-hush topic.

And isn’t it odd that we live in a society where it’s OK for men to be sexual conquerors and the only gender socially permitted to discuss all manner of disgusting subjects – yet for women those same subjects are supposed to be taboo? Unladylike?

I think that is especially true for us women in the South. I don’t know about Northern gals – but most of us gals in the South have been raised like we are supposed to behave like Southern Belles. SCREW THAT!

NEWS FLASH: Even Southern Belles crap & fart. Sure, they may not crap & fart at their Junior League functions – at least not if they can help it. But crap & fart they do!

I would like to say this now concludes the topic of crapping…but alas, being such an open, honest blogger – I can not. Just wait – there’s MORE!

I can not believe I am about to divulge such a dirty horrifying little secret – but what the hell! I know that by doing so, there will be at least one person out there – one dear reader – that will be so happy that I did, because they will feel less ‘alone’ in their own shame. And I say the following to that one dear shameful reader:

“Will you be so kind as to write me back & make ME feel better about MY shameful moment? Thank you.”

Now, before I divulge my dirty little embarrassing secret – allow me to set the scene.

After Hurricane Katrina and before Hurricane Rita, I was delighted to have my friend BB come and stay at our house for about a week.

I always enjoy her company, even when we’re just sitting around watching our favorite reality TV shows like Big Brother – or reading & discussing books that suggest that the real “Big Brother” has been up to no good in years gone by, especially with regard to issues of health.

BB & I started reading my copy of Lab 257 while she was here. We would take turns reading it – both knowing that we could only read just a little bit at a time since it is so damn disturbing. And I’m not necessarily recommending the book as I have yet to even read HALF of it because I just can’t stomach it.

I will, however, say this much:

“If you have a bit of an open mind about the potential liability the American government has with regard to the outbreak & spread of the Lyme epidemic …and the West Nile Virus – go ahead and buy it. However, if you’d prefer to believe the US government is totally trustworthy in every thing they do – save your money – or go buy an Uncle Sam figurine or something cause this book ain’t for you!!”

So BB & I enjoyed talking about all the various things two women can talk about – and we also had some very interesting discussions about potential governmental ‘conspiracy’ theories, upsetting as it was.

Now - I’m of the opinion that LIFE gives you many opportunities – many ‘paths’ you can explore during your life on this planet, and sometimes exploring a new ‘path’ can make a person a little bit nervous – especially if in doing so you must revise certain parts of your belief system. And if during that revision process you come to the conclusion that you’re a little less trusting of your own government….it can really wreak havoc on your nervous system.

After witnessing all the bullshit from Katrina’s aftermath – seeing the government totally F up in their ability to render aid in a timely manner, and then following that up with a book that suggests our government might hold some culpability with the very disease that is currently oppressing my ass – well, I suddenly came down with a bad case of diarrhea. (I’ve always said, “Politics gives me diarrhea.”)

The only real problem was that bad case of diarrhea started in the middle of the night….while I was still under the influence of my very good sleeping medication that is usually prescribed only to narcoleptic people…a sleeping medication that pretty much knocks your ass out and keeps it knocked out until the sedation wears off. Apparently it doesn’t LITERALLY knock the ass part of you out because one fateful night after a disturbing political discussion – parts of my ass were very busy – while I was sleeping --- and ON MY SILK SHEETS TOO!

Enough said? Or would you like more detail? Thought so.
OH yes – one more thing --about that "thin line" -- did you know you can both laugh & cry AT THE SAME TIME? There are some moments in life when your mind & body can’t decide what emotion to stick with – so you just experience the outpouring of both at once! Ain’t it grand?

(And wasn’t that just so brave of Dr. Wiseass to admit such an embarrassing detail? You should write her a little note of thanks – telling her how much you admire her courage – you know, for positive reinforcement – so you can continue receiving such sordid information as it becomes available….and with Dr. Wiseass you can bet your bottom dollar it will become available again! )



Crazy Ass – Wise Body
Speaking of asses – that’s a perfect transition into my next topic.

I, Dr. Wiseass, am officially a crazy ass. Yes, I freely admit it – I think I’m just about as crazy as normal people come. Despite my limited mobility; despite my pain and fatigue; despite my cognitive challenges – I’ve decided to start my very own home-based business.

I’m going to run my own business, mostly, from the comfort of my own bed.

And NO, you filthy filthy minded ones, it’s not that kind of business. REALLY! I thought you knew me better than that!

NO NO NO! I am starting my own nutraceutical company.

What the hell is a ‘nutraceutical’ you ask? Well, I should really make you google the word so you’ll remember it better – but I’m feeling generous today so I shall tell you.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Nutraceutical is a combination of "nutritional" and "pharmaceutical" and refers to foods thought to have a beneficial effect on human health.
Dr. Stephen DeFelice coined the term "Nutraceutical" from "Nutrition" and "Pharmaceutical" in 1989. The term nutraceutical is being commonly used in marketing but has no regulatory definition.
Nutraceuticals are often used in Nutrient Premixes or Nutrient Systems in the food and pharmaceutical industries.
Basically, in my looser definition of the word - a nutraceutical is really vitamins, minerals, herbs, and other natural products & supplements that have medicinal benefits. But Shhhh! Don’t tell the FDA, as they are rather asinine when it comes to the natural product industry.

Again, I think there are very political reasons for this – and it mostly has to do with money more than it does their concern for the safety and well-being of our American citizens…of course that’s just my new pissed-off opinion.

Every time you turn around it seems the government is considering putting some kind of restrictions on the natural product industry…and God forbid you even so much as suggest that a natural product could produce a medical benefit, or even cure a damn sore thumb! NO! The FDA wants the American people to believe that only DRUGS (you know those synthetic things that are essentially DERIVED from natural products – yet are chemically altered and have multiple side effects that could kill your ass or at the VERY LEAST make your ass INCONTINENT during your SLEEP!) only DRUGS can CURE you! HAHAHAHAHAHA! What damn ignorance!

But then again, if the FDA allows people to fully understand the true power of Nature and how beautifully it can work with the innate wisdom of the body – then our pharmaceutical companies are in danger of losing some mighty big bucks to the little herb farmers – and then the pharmaceutical giants couldn’t pay their expensive ass lobbyists who ‘contribute’ to all the various political campaigns….and before you know it….the government would just freaking collapse! So you see – as far as the FDA is concerned – ignorance for the American people is pure bliss!

The big problem is that you can’t put a monopoly on nature – at least not yet. But I’ll give all the various world governments an “A” for effort – and if you wonder what the hell that means – I’m going to let you take some initiative and search the term: CODEX ALIMENTARIUS and see if you can discover what all the big alpha dogs are up to. Look waaaaay below the surface. Have fun.


Migratory Worry
Now – before I can even get adequately excited about my new venture or take a sigh of relief about hurricane season being over – cuz it AIN’T – now in the middle of trying to start my little business I must divert my attention and begin to worry obsessively about the damn scary ass bird flu. I have an obsessive need to prepare. Hell – I have an obsessive need for YOU to prepare – but how do I force you to do it?

It’s difficult being a controlling person. I think more people should have sympathy or empathy on us – as most of us just want the world to be a better, happier place. And those of us who are control-ish just happen to think that we could do a better job at making it so, than the control-ish people that are currently in charge.

Last night I heard they found some sick ass bird in Great Britain….which I’m no Geography Whiz – but that seems a helluva lot closer to me than China & Indonesia, etc. I’m trying not to be nervous….just trying to “procure” (which is a nicer word than “stockpile”) the necessary items for survival.

In this case, what I’m referring to is: Vitamin C. What I’m reading – and I’d share it with you now but this damn blog entry is already 26 pages long – is that we all need to up our dosages of Vitamin C. Here – let me give you a link: http://www.alacer.com/info.asp Now sure – I’ll be selling those products as soon as I pull my head out of my ass and figure out how to build a website WHILE I continue to obsessively compulse (look – I’m using compulse as a VERB – as in the act of compulsing. My MS Word program indicates that is not a word. Screw my MS Word program – it doesn’t know ME and my ability to obsessively compulse………..)

As I was saying – I will be selling the Alacer products – which the drink mixes are like a light flavored Kool-Aide that fizzes. I like it and my daughter tolerates it – but she’s usually a big chicken when it comes to trying new things.

Speaking of chickens – buy them NOW. Freeze them. Do the same with pork – if you eat pork – as pigs can be carriers of the damn scary ass bird flu, too!

Anyway – don’t wait for my obsessive compulsive ass to get my web-store going (although it is so very sweet of you all to want to give me your business) – go NOW to your health food store & “procure” items that will help you fight a viral infection. Start building up your immune system NOW. Consult with your doctor – AND really check in to whether you should get that flu shot or not. I’ve read conflicting reports and since most of you dear readers have Lyme – getting the flu shot could be potentially dangerous for you.

But remember – I am not a REAL doctor – and none of what I have said or will say will ever be evaluated by the FDA or any other 3 lettered governmental organization – or any government organization which I would refer to with a 4 (or more) letter adjective. (How many letters are in ‘sonsofbitches’?? Oh wait – that’s a noun…nevermind.)

And don’t get me wrong. I still love this country and my blood still runs red, white, and blue. I just don’t necessarily trust the motives and actions of select individuals … and some (evil and/or stupid-ass) collective individuals who just so happen to be connected to the US government in various ways. And no, I’m not some weird ass stocking up arms to overthrow the government. SHIT! I’m just wanting to survive the freaking scary ass bird flu and I’m a little pissed cause I realize our government ain’t gonna be ‘here’ to save my ass.

Do you people understand? YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. PREPARE NOW.

And NOooooooooo, I’m not going to start preaching end of the world scripture – if you’re into that – start your own blog and knock yourself out. I’m just trying to help me & my house survive the scary ass bird flu!

Additionally – you people might want to look into the beneficial effects of Collodial Silver, Wild Oregano Oil – and when I say ‘wild’ – I MEAN IT!

Not all OREGANO OIL is actually OREGANO OIL. Get it from North American Herb & Spice. Go to this website: http://www.nutritionworld.com/oreganol/index.html

This is the place where you want to get it. And YES, my intention is to sell that stuff, too. BUT you don’t want to wait for my ass – protect yours NOW.

While you’re at that site, you might want to listen to some of those radio programs. Very interesting. It’ll help you know what else to “procure”. Self-preservation. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m talking about SURVIVAL people.

Is Dr.Wiseass a little freaked out about the scary ass bird flu………”Gee, whatever gave it away?”


Florida Or Bust
Now for a little more news about the in-laws….

Prior to Hurriane Rita coming to slap around bits of my great home state of Texas, my brother & sister-in-law – you remember them – they had to evacuate from the New Orleans area? Can you guess where they evacuated TO?

You guessed right! HOUSTON.

Now sister-in-law evacuated Houston ahead of time because she had had ENOUGH! She & my nephew went back home to…..the New Orleans area where she proceeded to further pack up some shit so they could keep on going…

Brother-in-law – who, by the way, is a very powerful man in the company he works for – he didn’t find it necessary to evacuate until the last hours. Well – I’ll bet you saw the pictures on TV. Yes, he was in that mess.

The ‘funny’ part is – which it wasn’t funny at the time – is that Mr. CEO climbed into his fancy ass expensive damn car to make the trip from Houston to New Orleans….and he did so without any freaking food or WATER! BUT he DID have his blackberry so that I could send him MULTIPLE email messages – checking up on his progress as he inched along the freeway – and to give him grief about how stupid you have to be to get in a car for a long trip without any freaking water.

At first, I wasn’t as worried – but as the hours went on and the sun was so hot – I was really upset. I worked myself into a little tizzy as I, Madam Control Freak, could do nothing to help him.

I talked to sister-in-law a few times and could tell she was almost at her breaking point – which only made both of us tear up and cry a bit. She was naturally very worried….which only fed on my worry.

Long, drawn-out story – but brother-in-law finally made it home – and then sister-in-law shoved the family into the bigger vehicle – the one with the food and WATER and then they drove to………………………………….. their new beach house in FLORIDA.

Can you believe that shit?

And now as Hurricane Wilma is slowly barreling towards the coast of Florida – can you take ONE FREAKING GUESS as to where my in-laws decided to spend the weekend? (Honey, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried…)

And also last night on the news I heard that Hurricane season is not officially over until the end of November. And can you take ONE FREAKING GUESS as to where we all agreed to have Thanksgiving dinner this year?

Now – can you believe that shit?

Until next time -- PLAN AHEAD!

Hugs & Kisses,

DR. Wiseass

-not a real doc -- just a real WISE ass!